Clearly these four lads were paying attention in thrash metal 101, and were they under my tutelage I would certainly be proud to hear them make this record; one that adheres so rigidly to the textbook, and has the relevant criteria to earn them a sure fired A+. So where do I begin scrawling with my trusty red biro? Let’s start with the name. Chainsaw. Well, where can you possibly go wrong naming a band after a power tool? This name is only one step down from using the word ‘Metal,’ ‘Iron,’ or ‘Steel’ in your appellation. The fact that it can inflict some serious damage perhaps even elevates it slightly, earning them extra points in the f***ing hardcore stakes.
Er…so where now? Title, ‘Metal Missionary’ (see above comment RE: ‘Metal’ in title) top marks for that one, boys. And then we come onto the music itself. Clearly, the lesson on lyrics was taken straight to their blackened hearts, although I really hope they took it all with a liberal sprinkling of salt. If these guys were really practising what they preached I would actually be rather concerned. As this is clearly not the case, all that is left to do is smile and guffaw at such obscenities as ‘Two Feet Of Meat,’ which…er…I will leave you to ponder over for yourself although careful not to think to hard if Animal Farm offends you. Indeed, this is crude, lewd and in places just downright tasteless! Which takes me onto the next vile atrocity that is ‘Heavy Sex Maniac’ and it’s not that I could really be classed as such, but nevertheless I can’t resist the addictive chorus of this song. The pace is slowed down for a brief while, giving a perfect opportunity for all of the lovebirds out there to get their smooch on and get down to some ‘Liquid Love,’ probably in the girls’ loos or round the back of the bike sheds where they can’t be caught, although I’m sure that would be perfectly permissible if done in a suitably rock’n’roll manner (perhaps with a groupie for extra rock star points). Yea, you’re beginning to sense a theme by now I’d imagine, just as I was. There is only one kind of liquid love I would personally opt for, and that is my undying lust for liquid of the alcoholic kind!
The church organs that begin ‘The Missionary’ obviously do a good job of setting the religious tone of the track giving the chance for the apostles to shuffle down the pews while the organ plays out, preparing for the mornings sermon. This is of course the mandatory ode to metal that every band must do at some point in their career to show that they are true to the cause, and is solid enough to make me shout out ‘Hallelujah’ before going forth to spread the word. This contains some classic Priest (quite apt, don’t’cha think?) riffing that combines with some strong plodding drums.
I seem to have worked my way through this review backwards (duh) but simply put, this album wastes no time getting down to some serious business, and after a heaving pronouncement of “UUGH!” in full-on black metal panache, the ‘Demolition Hammer’ crushes us all, with its scything thrash metal riffage and an overall oeuvre that just sounds mean and repulsive. Drums race along fuelled by pure rage, while there are elements of both black and classic metal thrown into the mix in equal measures. The tongue is firmly lodged in the cheek on this track which seems to be all about a 43 year old virgin (clearly not getting any of that liquid lovin’ – see above) who lives with his mommy, speaks Klingon fluidly (gosh, he must be really popular with the ladies!) and is filled with ‘awesome power’ when he sits behind his desk.
Vocals are heavy as fuck and are akin to getting clobbered with a two foot slab of meat. On the whole these remind me of Katon W Pena’s vocal delivery with Hirax, particularly as he screams out the word “ATAAACK!” on ‘Meet Your Maker’ while the vocals to ‘Supreme Command’ would show up Schmier in the OTT-thrash-falsetto department as he yelps out “I am always in complete controoool!” The album finishes up with a cover of ‘Tonight I’m Going to Rock You Tonight’ which is seriously funky and makes me want to whip out guitar hero, crank the tele up to 11 and bang my head!! The raw production here suits the tone of the music; there is nothing polished or clean about this at all, and even the guitar solos sound like they are coated in dirt. Then again, if you want polished you can listen to Evile instead.
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